will to live
want to live
want people to be nice
sad about everything
never mind i guess.
I think I was only ever tolerated (ON THIN FUCKING ICE) because I wasn't doing bad 🙂 and tried not to ask for much
now that I am doing poorly, the indifference is clearer
people can't see unless it looks right
and people won't help unless it's what they imagine help looks like
and yeah ofc like, no shit. this makes a ton of sense
obviously nobody's fucking psychic and people have their own shit going on
but also
being on the drowning end of "just learn to swim" and "(while sitting in a boat) it's your fault for drowning really. I'm swimming just fine" is not fun
the more I ask for the more obvious it is that I was never going to get much.
so what use is believing other people to have good reasons.
to reduce someone to "usefulness" is cruel and awful.
if i can't get the intangible though. what else is there but the tangible.
my dad and mom paid for my college and for food and housing and such when I was growing up.
do you expect me to be grateful?
is my life something to be bought?