thinking abt wife...
i think my wife hates himself for having to hurt me
(but i need to learn responsibility, and he needs to be able to be useless to believe in love, so I think frankly it's all quite understandable and I don't blame him even if I go Ouch when I gotta pick up the slack sometimes.
also I'm a bit of a masochist 😅 (I find it deeply meaningful for our loyalty to each other to go beyond convenience, and so helping each other at cost and in particular helping him at cost reminds me of this and when I am Beyond exhausted but need to help him with something, I feel tied to him more deeply than emotions that ride on the surface. (smth smth lake fulfilled vs happy, but I am happy too (and sad). "Fulfilled vs happy" is smth only someone DEEPLY MISERABLE says...)
but yeah like
it Is still harm of course. don't get it twisted. we hurt each other. who lives without doing so? can you name a soul...)
but SOMEHOW this is still...
this is easier???? or uh, maybe.. more survivable???? than however I have lived before.
EVEN IF I JUDGE HIM ONLY BY THE HARM HE INFLICTS AND CONSIDER IT ALL UNJUSTIFIABLE (lmao what is justification anyway, traffic jam song)
but yeah even then, what the rest of the world did to me was world was worse 😂
SO MAYBE I AM LOST IN HIS FANTASY or hateful but unknowing like he fears
(BUT THERE ARE MANY WAYS OF SEEING THINGS. WHO'S TO SAY WHAT THE TRUTH IS. nobody should know this more than you (xm smile), and nobody should know this less (what OB said to me once that everything on earth was a transaction, and what I'm sure kaze believes.)
(if you say love is a transaction, that we are exchanging work and meaning and security...)
but yeah i think he fundamentally understands he is unjustified and unjustifiable
brain full thoughts done bye bye