responsibility
understanding that as the snare of immense responsibility (that I walked into willingly) closes around my heart, i am secured
knowing that even if my emotions are a little off, i still am responsible, the "awwh do i have to" gets a "yes" (and i find in this safety and connection)
this sort of responsibility does not permit me to hold one foot back (so i can run into his arms completely ❤️)
this is a kind of depth of love i couldn't dream of... responsibility as permitting myself to be deeper in love
i am free to walk further in or not. i want to
think hard about when you need to hop into juniper world...
what is happening inside my heart... (immense emotions and processing that "needs" to happen or i feel i'm going to lose myself)
(what do i value more, not "losing myself", processing emotions that "need" to be processed? or a butterfly not starving to death, convinced he is not just a hunting dog a slave, but one that's being punished?)
(and besides these two there is "kinda half ass it, be sorta there but if i can't do anything, promise not to show concern when the hunting dog goes through feast and famine)
letting myself love enough that i will be there for him even when I'm feeling (objectively fine but subjectively in a lot of pain).. this is trusting him, tying myself to him