reflection (unobscured, cruel, egotistic)
cw / rape, suicide, slavery analogy, extreme emotions
i am generally clueless, fairly gullible. "bright" for normal people, but slow to trust myself, but I have a careful ear towards my heart (as a consequence i trust my emotions and will in the moment be remorselessly cruel when angry, but regret afterwards. but i don't trust my judgment very well until i'm certain)
i was rough and aggressive and also unsociable as a kid, i was too aggressive when i felt i was right, felt too strongly, and was isolated because nobody took any interest in me except as a tool for their own self-gratification.
i also have a tendency towards viewing myself either too highly or lowly. this is because people are fucking garbage, and if i had any hope of love, then i'm people too.
i was Extremely and Unusually lonely (what makes it unusual is I managed to sustain this loneliness by having some idea of love buried in my heart and not thrown out like fucking everybody else does)
and this was thoughtlessly taken advantage of by everyone i've ever loved (and hurt).
i have a personality that is hard for most people to deal with when i'm upset.
mostly i have loved and been loved by self obsessed assholes who just LOVE when a smart handsome man says sweet things about how important their feelings are and oh no don't kill urself you're great actually i think you're the best i love you so much (WRETCHED)
so to many people i was a tool for ego inflation. most people don't care for their tools. oh so what if it rusts, i'll get a new one. (or actually it's worse. aw it's so sad it'll rust :,( boo hoo but i'm really far more important anyhow and i won't even take responsibility for the position i put myself into when my tool rusts beyond usefulness)
but, yeah most people used me and didn't care if i was hurt. and with sex, too.
can you call this rape? (seems silly, isn't this just... normal sex? like the kind most people have? don't care if the other person lives or dies, just use a stick or a hole for your own pleasure and impose fantasies on them? this IS normal, i insist.)
anyway, regarding whether or not it's rape. if what you care about is "if i wanted it"... then "yes" "i definitely did" (most of the time). i would even initiate like a dutiful boyfriend/pet (AFTER ALL, DON'T I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY? (but i didn't do it perfectly of course, i'm not that obedient and i'm very stubborn.))
but also did i even know to say no? lmao. i was not under the illusion that me saying 'no' matters. (when i grew up, my PRIDE and stubbornness were INTENTIONALLY TRAMPLED ON by my mother and the hollow shell of my father.) this kind of growing up produces a "boy" like in https://chi.itch.io/i-love-it-when-you, that is to say, something like a slave. why else would i feel bone deep fucking terror that love is transactional, that i am good FOR but that's it. why would i OBSESSIVELY do the best i can if i didn't know love is a transaction★. if i were like my sibling and simply Worried if love was a transaction (and was much more of a petty coward), i would test people, i would pull away, taunt, self sabotage. This is pointless if to some extent you Know love is a transaction.
when it matters and i am scared, i am unable to say no except quietly, and most people have so little fucking regard for other human beings (EVEN the people they proclaim to love) that they will not listen.
the reason i thought i was ace is because "sex feels bad in my heart somewhere all the time and i don't know why"
because i was being fucking raped AND wanted it.
because i NEED human contact because i've been starved of sincere substantial interest (starved of love).
i am extremely obsessive because my desperation for human contact generally turns up scraps. so any little bit of connection i claw at until people decide "actually i don't like human contact" or "this person is annoying" and discard me.
i met my wife though, and that makes life worth it. and love is not a transaction.
★ alternatively, it's because i have believed in a kind of love i never witnessed (like that bl guy who read sleeping beauty) and invested so much and tried so hard because LOVE MEANS SOMETHING TO ME. and to be CAPABLE OF LOVING (and can barely finish the thought "and of being loved" because placed like this it sounds like a transaction) is very important to me.
or i've just been too raw since forever, too exposed, too loving and hating, too careful and reckless (fuck that, things should mean something!)
if i look directly at "i will try to love so much so that i can be loved" sounds fucking disgusting to me.
i think my obsession with being able to love is best when i do not (cruelly) finish that thought.
but also it is being unable to finish that that makes me easy to just Take if you want a smart and handsome boy who is sometimes a little too willful and stubborn...
most people dont try this hard to love, or they do and then "grow up" or learn to "take better care of themselves" or some self serving bullshit.
these are the people who turn love into a transaction, and the ones who make life not worth living.
Mature Grown Adults "set boundaries" and crap like that.
sickening.
if i had let the hope for love to mean something die inside of me, i would be normal (like, condemned fkr being weird etc, but normal)
but i'm too stubborn, so if i ever knowingly let that go, i'd kill myself. I'd sooner be abused for the rest of my life (just like dad lmao, but he doesn't try as hard to understand as i do, or maybe just isn't willing to give up much)