not normal
cw sui, rape //
think i'm not normal actually...
most people aren't reassured that their life is tied to someone with no way out (when he goes, i go. this is part of what it means to love my wife. why make a mockery of our love?)
most people don't have a relationship to sex that is "oh huh... i guess almost all of it has been rape? huh, hard to say. obviously people don't care if i'm ACTUALLY having a good time but that's normal... it's hard to be a good listener after all! can't really blame them for raping me can i?"
[lmao still i'm like "am i being too harsh? maybe!"
but if i couldn't say no because i didn't KNOW to say no because why would i? i could barely identify "want" in relation to "things happening to me" when it came to sex sometimes
and regardless of what i said, these people did not care about me... ME, A BIG HANDSOME DOMINANT MAN?? U SURE??? LMAO]
most people wouldn't get along with the king of hell (a salted fish, a housecat) and be willing to accept that sort of absolute/divine judgment.
anyway i think this sucks. glad i can be with my wife (the only thing i want out of life). and normal people suck. but uh, knowing there's basically no place for me on earth is not fun. but hell is real, and all the best people are there.
IDK i can't tell
like, i still think this is just what normal sex is? something that kills you a little?
well, maybe normal for (some) women?
idk. like, how many wives fuck their husbands out of obligation? probably many?
so i think it is normal???
thinking too hard..
I huess i'm thinking about the ambiguity of violence
some things are violence to me SPECIFICALLY because of the shape of my heart
[a nice old granny offering samples at the bakery she runs SCARES ME
because the confidence with which she says "you'll like it" is the same confidence that fucking CRUSHED all disagreement and pride in my heart as a child
if i weren't me, this nice old granny would not be doing violence
but she is.
(the sample Was good though)]
some things are violence to me because i take love very seriously...
and this is to say:
i don't care if the shape of my heart is justified. (i am trying not to care) Smth smth megumi quote "agree to curse each other".
it fucked me up and people wanted me to be something i wasn't. and they didn't care if i fit their imagination, and they didn't care if it hurt me, and what could i do but go along with it (AND WANT TO! IT'S BETTER THAN ISOLATION!)
thinking about nobody can give you permission to live but yourself
(i think my wife gave me permission to live
or, not sure how to say it...
idk, i love my wife. i will die without him.)