need
I need to be around my wife all the time like i need my heart inside my chest
even being twenty feet away...
and although it can be tiring to help him out with stuff sometimes, it's far more stressful when he retreats and asks little of me (even though it's an opportunity to rest)...
but as scared as i am of being useless, i'm more scared of being just useful (and so if i have nothing to do, the anxiety sets in)
but i also know this man* loves me with his entire heart
(*is a man who's a woman who's a man who's a woman... a man?)
so the anxiety is also worry for him... and hopefully that can be my only concern as my fears of being unloveable heal maybe
(why are those so deep though? i think maybe the only "love" i received for a very long time was really a kind of usefulness, until i met my wife
I think the distinction is that my heart itself was not valued...)
but yeah... being away from him for any amount of time twists my guts up and makes me feel so fucking terrible...
i think this is probably more excruciating for him though, given how it was when i took a weeklong trip... it was bad...
more than i need to be around him, i need him to be okay, so i will gladly weather the stomach churning pain and fear if he like, needs to go take a nap or has some errand to do on his own or just needs a little space
his well-being is more important to me