fears
one of my fears is that me having responsibility will actually be intolerable to him
i will HAVE TO BE cruel.
and arbitrary and confusing (re: $)
(i worry about being unloved)
[cruelly] BUT WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT, BEING LOVED OR BEING RESPONSIBLE.
DISGUSTING SELF INDULGENCE HOW DARE I ... this is what self-satisfaction looks like.
and also will i be able to be responsible And loving...
he would understand... no matter what
so what does "loving" mean
will he find life no longer worth living if i am cruel