brain full
don't have the words to describe what horrible, beautiful, loving, wretched, tender
how precious and impossible and excruciating
even if i become devoid of love, i will see this through purely out of curiosity.
i fucking hate this i want to fucking die
I THINK THE WORLD SHOULD NOT BE LIKE THIS (what ego to imagine i know what the world is like)
THE ONLY THING I CAN HOLD ONTO.... is my wife
(and i know he's no good, no god. Just a crazy bitch with a short temper, condemnation on a hair trigger, and a very particular (ruthless) view of violence.)
i know i'm worse. i know LIKE LAKE I THINK when i condemn, it's me on the table.
so i cry and i am vicious
"how could you let me become something i despise? over and over? (AND WHY DOESN'T THIS SEEM TO BOTHER YOU? ARE YOU NOT INTERESTED IN CHANGING? DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOOD AS YOU ARE? YOU DISGUST ME.)"
(And how could i let someone else...)
i think if the only person i respect is my wife...
something is wrong...
brain full tired listening to song on loop for three or four days now that reminds me of wanting to die